I keep thinking back to the beginning of the pandemic. I had the luxury of trawling through the world news and saw this coming. There were a few Cassandras out there who proclaimed what was heading our way, the ways this would change our lives, our nation, but they were drowned out. "You're inciting panic." "We'll be fine." "You don't know what you're talking about." Even as the crisis loomed closer people blithely assumed that life would go on as it had, as they planned. I feel lucky in retrospect that I had watched the crisis getting ever closer, ever more real, rather than being t-boned by it seemingly out of nowhere.
If there's one moment I wish I could bottle for my daughters, to encapsulate how the year started, it would be the day the school closed. I wish I could, like something out of a fantasy novel, keep that memory so that they could experience it through my eyes. A rainy day, but pickup time was in a break between showers. Normally a large group of us would stay, let our kids burn off some school day pent-up energy on the playground while we chatted. On this day, however, there was barely a word between us, mostly just grim nods. No one stayed to play, and the sense of fear was palpable, oppressive. I've read that in books before but you never know what it means until you've experienced it, until you can taste the collective fear. Eyes don't properly meet, everyone uncertain and wondering what the future might hold. I hope my children never experience that firsthand, but I also want them to understand it in the way only someone who's experienced it can. It's a small moment, but we're all changed for experiencing it. The moment of collective acknowledgement that the future is not what we all planned, that no one knows what's ahead anymore. Not knowing if the next time we meet there might be absences.
We biked away and I wracked my brain trying to come up with truths to explain the situation that wouldn't terrify my older child unnecessarily. I suppose I needn't have worried, because she didn't get it. I explained again and again, and she still didn't quite understand. For weeks she talked about "when the virus is gone" and "when I go back to school soon". First I had to tell her that we didn't know how long things would take, then I had to tell her that things are going to be different for a while. But, like any normal 6-year-old, "a while" means a week, maybe two. I finally resorted to telling her, with tears in my eyes, that many people around the world were dying, so we need to stay home as long as it takes until people stop dying from this. She absorbed that, but it still didn't make it real. How could other people, people she didn't know, dying, prevent her from going to the school, the playground, the children's museum, to see friends, to see her grandmother...or even go to the store? Can we go to the store to get--? She kept talking about things we could do and one by one I had to dash those plans. It crushed my spirit, having to say no to absolutely everything. It's no wonder she's been low-key angry with me about nearly everything.
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| Have a picture of some flowers to cheer you up. |
Here we are. It's been almost six months of the pandemic (in the U.S.). People are weary. I haven't hugged any of my friends in nearly half a year, couldn't even do so as a friend was telling me that her dad had recently died, and I miss it desperately. I have a picture of the last time I saw my mom, back in March, because I wasn't certain if it would be the last time I'd ever get the chance to have a picture of the two of us together in a room. If it was the last time I'd get to see my mother, hug her, before she died. In some respects it was a luxury. How many people have died in complete isolation because of COVID, and how many family members were denied even that last hug?
And now, for so many reasons, we're in this for the long haul. Yes, there may be a vaccine soon. But vaccines take time for a reason. Even if it was declared safe tomorrow, there's still time until it can be rolled out worldwide. So, again, we're in this mess for a long time yet. If you're angry, that seems to be the most appropriate response to the situation we find ourselves collectively in. If you're missing human interaction, you're not alone.
So what do we do? How do we prepare for the long haul? Obviously I don't have all the answers. No one does. But there are some things that we can do to prepare ourselves, and to help out our friends and neighbors.
Plan that another lockdown could happen at any moment
Whatever you need--entertainment, food, homeschooling supplies--to keep yourself and your family safe and sane during another lockdown, think about it now and start procuring it. And if you're thinking, "Whatever, there's always Amazon," please remember that there are millions of small businesses that are going under right now. Please, please support them instead. Amazon will be fine. They don't need more of your dollars. Order books from independent booksellers so that they're still around. Order groceries from the corner deli and the neighborhood butcher shop and a CSA box (if you still can) from someone local if possible. Join a coop. I know that's not possible for everything for most of us (I shop at Costco too, ya know, and have ordered from Amazon a few times so far this year) but any little bit helps right now, and may keep your favorite local businesses around. Many of them have managed to switch their business model so that they will do curbside pickups or mail your goods to you.
I really mean it when I say to plan for the entertainment you'll need. It's midsummer now but with the summer solstice past I'm starting to get that antsy feeling that autumn is coming. The light is already changing, the days just getting a tiny bit shorter. I know that even with the monotony of the days it's going to fly by and suddenly autumn will be here. Which, for many of us, means chilly weather, rain, ice, snow. More time indoors. For everyone who escaped outdoors with the nice weather, that may be less possible soon. For those of us with kids, it's going to be crazy-making. Do what you need to do to get the family ready for walks or bike rides or cross-country skiing or whatever no matter the weather. Gather the LEGOs, paints, crayons, paper, video games, books, and other toys or tools you might need and then...wait. Hold onto them. Dole them out slowly, as needed, to keep morale up. In the dark moments they will be a lifeline. When you get 10 full minutes of your kids quietly playing you will be thanking your past self.
This trick works with adults too, and it doesn't necessarily involve pricey gadgets. We've been making treat foods (cookies, comfort food meals, ice cream) regularly but not constantly. Maybe once a week. (We had one week with overlapping treats and, honestly, it was too much.) It gives the whole family something small but important to look forward to.
Take care of both your physical and mental health
The key here is to treat yourself within reason. I know the "COVID 19" has been a joke for how much weight people have gained, but it doesn't have to be that way. I know several people who've lost weight in quarantine because they suddenly have the time to cook, to exercise, and they're not grabbing junk food at the store anymore. If you have an unhealthy relationship with food, or with alcohol, find other ways to treat yourself. (But please do still find a way to treat yourself occasionally.)
I started running again, which I tend to pick up in times of high stress, emotions, and anxiety. That runner's high is one hell of a drug. When I start to get anxious, when life feels out of control, there's nothing quite like tying up my laces and heading out all by myself for a chunk of time, to think my own thoughts and get everything organized. I'm noticing changes in my body, but more importantly I am so much calmer when I have my run and my time. I can take whatever the kids dish out better (and trust me, if my older one wasn't easy before all of this she's not any easier now that her world has been turned upside down), I can do all the chores and the things and be Super Mom. Or at least, that's how it feels.
Mind you, I'm a terrible runner. I'm slow. I ran just under 7km today (4.3-ish miles) and it was probably my longest run ever. I spend the first third of every run hating myself and hating each step. The middle third sort of grudgingly acknowledges that really it's not so bad, I'm in my groove. It's the final third of my run that makes it all worthwhile, when I finally start to feel grounded and good about myself.
When I'm really on my game, I can sometimes do yoga a few times a week because this is the year where my body keeps reminding me that I'm not as young as I once was. The yoga helps me feel refreshed, calmer, and more settled in a different way from the running, so I like to keep both. When I remember to stop doomsurfing long enough to take care of myself.
You don't have to run, obviously. But find your thing. My younger brother plays a video game that gets him moving quite a lot, and combined with (mostly) cutting out sodas and junk food he's lost over 25 lbs. It's easy for me to see what a mental boost it has given him in addition to the physical ones. He's healthier, and he feels good because of it. I was very legitimately worried that this time would have him spiraling down into a dark depression (again) so it's been incredible to see him blossom instead.
I'm not saying that you have to lose weight. I'm not trying to fat shame anyone. This isn't even really about weight, but about your well-being as a whole. Maybe you meditate instead, or pray. Maybe you do periods of fasting, or go vegan or Whole30. Maybe you stop smoking or drinking. Maybe you get an adult coloring book or take up knitting.
This year is taking a toll on all of us. I know I'm not the only one who feels as ancient as Methuselah after all the years I've lived in 2020. Mental and physical health are inextricably linked, and people of ill-health of either sort are more likely to have nasty complications or to die from COVID. If you could save a life, wouldn't you? Well, so maybe the life you save is your own. I just want you to treat yourself as valuable as you are to those who know and love you. Find the things that help you feel your best both mentally and physically. Then hang onto them, and keep doing them regularly. You're worth it.
Keep saving those pennies
So many people are out of work, possibly for a long time, and so many more people are uncertain of their work. The good news is that many people are paying down debt, particularly credit card debt, and people are saving. I wish it didn't take a crisis such as this to make that happen. I'm sure much of it is because people can't spend money on, among other things: haircuts, bars, restaurants, movies, vacations, manis/pedis, and fuel for their now nonexistent commute. So this good news is, in reality, a double-edged sword. All the people who relied on those industries are out of work, and will be as long as this crisis is ongoing, most likely far longer in many cases since so many businesses are failing.
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| Apricot jam I made from apricots I found seriously on sale. |
But for those of us who can save, it's still crucial to do so. It's still valuable to do what we can to protect ourselves and our families. If your household loses employment, how many weeks or months before you become insolvent? How many months do you think this crisis will be ongoing, and how long do you think until the newly unemployed will be able to get work again? How secure do you feel in your job, your industry? What about your spouse or partner, if you have one? The truth is that we can't solve the unemployment crisis until we get control of the virus, so we all have to do our part even if we know our actions are going to have some negative consequences. It sucks. There are no good options right now. The only thing that we individuals can do is to try to ensure that we're not being sucked into that downward spiral of poverty.
If you have to triage your finances, prioritize shelter. You don't want to be homeless or couch surfing during a pandemic if you can help it. Being evicted or foreclosed on makes it harder to both buy a home and to rent. And if you really can't swing it, find a safe place to go before it gets to that point.
If any of my friends or family reading this needs any help, I'm here. No judgments, no criticisms. Just ask for help and I will do what I can. And then I will never mention it again, do my best to forget all about it, because no one wants that hanging over their head forever.
Wear your fucking mask
If you only have the paper ones, now is the time to get or make some quality cloth ones. Put a filter in them, if you can, even a coffee filter. Make sure it fits properly. And then fucking wear it. NO EXCUSES.
Yes, I even keep a bandana tied around my neck to quickly pull up on my runs and bike rides in case I need to be closer to someone than I'm comfortable with.
Put together a quarantine pod or bubble
Since we all need human interaction, and we can't keep ourselves solely to online meetings with loved ones for potentially years, put together a quarantine pod. Particularly for people who live alone and extroverts, this is crucial. Yes, there are ways to do this safely. First, make sure that you are compatible in what exposures you have (preferably none, but I know this isn't possible for most people) and what you're comfortable with. If one party goes into the store but the other will only do curbside pickup, is that a deal breaker? You'll also need to take into account things like the health of everyone in the household. If one household has someone with an autoimmune disorder and the other household has an essential worker, you might not be a good match.
Ideally, a pod is very small. It's also crucial to be completely honest with everyone what exposures you might have had. And if there are children in the group, how well are they going to follow the rules? Are they going back to school?
We've opened our household up ever so slightly to a few socially distant small events, purely outside and with as much distance maintained as possible. I see my younger brother about once or twice a week, for disc golf and to go see our mom, and we have one set of friends that we allow our kids to have playdates with out in one or the other's backyard (always, and unusually, under direct adult supervision to enforce mask wearing). They are crucial to our children's social and emotional development, especially for the long haul. If our kids can't be with a group of their peers in schools then being able to play and interact with a friend who is not also a sibling is necessary. So about once a week, perhaps a bit less, we'll go for a walk with them or play in the yard, or say hi from the street to the house. Always with masks on the parents, the older kids and (as often as we can get her to) my younger one. I hope that when they remember this time it will be with fond memories of friendships deepened, and not the deprivations of what they couldn't have.
If you can, keep your kids home from school
I know, online learning sucked so bad. SO BAD. In fact, ours was pretty good and it STILL sucked. So bad. Not for the schooling itself, but for everything around it. The fights, the time, the lack of outlets. I cried so much this spring. Maybe not daily, but.... So we initially filled out our district's survey saying that we would send her back to school two days a week. She's an extrovert, I reasoned. She needs her friends. And I, her introvert mother, could use a few minutes twice a week to get something done or even just have a cup of tea alone. In silence.
Then I thought about it more. I read what my teacher friends were saying, about how being at school was not going to be anything like it was before. There wouldn't be socializing the way we wanted, as our kid craves and needs. The chance of schools getting shut down again quickly (if they start in person at all at this point) are very high. There wouldn't be...anything, really. Just fear, with the specter of death looming in the hallways. How are kids supposed to learn in that environment?
Not only that, but the resources the school district would need to muster are staggering. Think of how many sterilizing wipes and bottles of soap and hand sanitizer. How many masks, how much PPE of various kinds. We don't fund schools enough in normal times, and these are not normal times. Cities and states are facing MASSIVE budget shortfalls due to lost tax revenue. Where are they going to get the money for all of this, to do things properly, if they can't even be bothered to fund the normal school supplies?
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| Here's a box cat picture to cheer you up. |
If all of that wasn't enough, then there are the risk. We were initially told that COVID doesn't hit kids hardly at all, and every parent around the world breathed a sigh of relief. But it's not true. First there was the mysterious MIS-C inflammatory syndrome that was striking kids who'd had COVID. Then they started actually testing kids and realized, oh hey. Kids DO get sick! And too many of them die. Florida alone has had at least 303 children hospitalized for COVID and its complications. No one wants to roll that die, to just cross our fingers and hope that our kid won't be one of the unlucky ones.
Do we want our teachers to die? Do we want to have yearbooks full of "in memoriam" pages dedicated to those teachers and students who "bravely" lost their lives due to COVID? Is that a legacy that we want for our kids?
I know some people will have no choice, though. Some of us are going to have to suck up our fear and send kids to school, because what other option is there? Essential workers just can't leave young children at home alone all day. Many people who work low wage "essential" jobs can't afford childcare as it is. What are they supposed to do? It is a nightmare situation.
So here's how the rest of us can help. We can be one less vector. Those of us who have the luxury of keeping our kids home indefinitely, we can do that. We can help the teachers and the school districts stretch their resources. We can help ensure that more kids aren't getting sick and needing care, because pediatric ICUs can get overwhelmed also. We can ensure that there's space in the classrooms for social distancing. In short, we can do our best to make sure the kids who need the system the most aren't suddenly left with nothing.
Just please don't ask me to unpack all of the inherent racism and classism in all of this. I know that the kids least likely to afford to stay home are also disproportionately children in minority groups and the economically disadvantaged. I know that there's a big chance this will further the educational divide between the haves and the have-nots. I hate it. But I don't think it's a problem that's going to be solved by individuals within the next month, during a pandemic. We need state and federal actions on this one. And clearly, this is one area we need to take a good, long look at when we have a bit more breathing room, to actually come up with solutions that will give all kids and families a rising tide. If you have solutions, I'm all ears.
Look Ahead
There have already been so many fun things we've missed--weddings that have been postponed, birthdays that have been celebrated online, graduations, births, sporting events, holidays. And there will be so many more. What is Halloween going to look like? Thanksgiving? Christmas? You'll want to start having those hard conversations with family now about whether or not you'll get together, under what circumstances, or how you're going to arrange things if you can't be together.
Once again, if you have kids then this is going to be so much harder. You're not only going to have to deal with your own emotions and dashed expectations but theirs as well. And no parent wants to feel like they've let their kid(s) down. So, how can we still make these events fun for them? How will we make them memorable in a way that's not because of what they missed out on, but for what they had instead? One of my kids has a November birthday, and this is very much on my mind. Her birthday and the surrounding time has traditionally been wet and cold. Not ideal for an outdoor birthday party, if we're even allowed to have them then. She's old enough to know if she doesn't get a party, and she will rightfully be pissed. off. So I'm planning now for how to still make it special.
So far we've baked cakes (small ones) for every family birthday (a different cake each time, of course) and my younger daughter has insisted we get out the party hats for some of the video calls, which is both festive and adorable. Looking ahead to Halloween, there might not be trick-or-treating in any meaningful capacity this year. But we can still carve pumpkins, make decorations and cookies, drink apple cider, and watch "scary" movies. None of those things require being around other people and they'll still be both fun and special.
I'm also trying to get organized enough to arrange a series of socially distant visits with people we haven't seen in a while. While the weather is nice enough to hang out outside, I want to get together with the people we haven't seen in some cases since last year, even though we all live in the same area. We miss them, and the window of when we can do these visits is going to close soon enough as it gets colder, wetter, and darker. For people in the Southern half of the country, this might be tipped on its head as your weather gets cooler and more favorable to hanging out outside, masked up, when summer is over.
Make a plan for multiple disasters
This really sounds like fear-mongering, but it is a reality that many people are going to be facing this year. Natural disasters don't stop in the midst of a pandemic. The Atlantic hurricane season is predicted to be far busier than normal, and at least one state is already dealing with historic wildfires.
If you don't already have a plan, now is the time to come up with one. What would you need to shelter in place if your power was out for an extended time? Many utilities are saying that power could be out for longer than usual due to the pandemic. What would you need to heat your house, get water, cook and eat, have light, entertain yourself, and to generally be self-sufficient for maybe weeks?
Alternatively, what would you need to flee your house and keep your family safe during a pandemic? If a wildfire is headed toward your home, do you have what you need to escape quickly and easily? Is it stocked with extras for a longer time frame, and pandemic supplies? Do you have a plan for where you would go, or what you would do if you no longer had a house to return to?
It's horrible, horrible, that we have to think this way. But it's reality. We ALL need to be thinking about worst case scenario planning. What do we do in an emergency if hospitals and social services are overrun? If my kid breaks her arm while hospitals are overrun, or the risk of going to them and bringing the illness home is a near certainty, what's the plan? No one wants to deal with this, or think about it, but having these things come up and no plan in place is infinitely worse.
If the general preparedness advice for your area gives you a certain time to be prepared for, like having 2-3 weeks of supplies on hand, expect to triple it right now. Seriously. Worst case scenario, you're more prepared for the next disaster. Best case scenario, you not only keep yourselves and your families safe but also maybe can help some neighbors out.
This is also something that should be done far in advance. If everyone starts stocking up for weeks of hurricanes all at once the stores will be overrun. It will be the great toilet paper shortage all over again, but for everything. Instead just grab an extra or two of something when you do go to the store. Maybe you get a few extra canned soups one week, some milk powder or shelf-stable milk replacement of your choice the next. A little bit at a time is just fine to build a slightly larger pantry and to collect any other items you need, such as batteries. This way you avoid the rush AND you allow the stores more time to stock up on things rather than a total boom and bust style of hurricane prep, where it's all or nothing in the week before a storm. For those of us who live where disasters can strike without notice (such as earthquakes) we won't even have the luxury of notice in which to prepare. What you've got on hand is what you'll have. Would it be enough?
Of course, anything you buy should be things you'll use or eat regularly anyway. Don't buy 80 cans of tuna if you hate tuna.
The goal here is not to be completely self-sufficient as an end unto itself. The goal is simply to not be a drain on an already stressed system. We want first responders to be taking care of people who could not help themselves, not those who simply did not. Our medical workers are already dealing with stress the likes of which most of us, thankfully, will never experience. We don't want to put more burden on them because of a lack of, say, an emergency kit that could have cleaned and bandaged a wound before infection set in.
And if that doesn't sway you, there are selfish reasons to be better prepared too. When our hospitals are already working at more than full capacity then the care you're going to get will be less than optimal no matter what. And, as we have seen, triage is not just for war time when there's a pandemic going on. If you're depending on emergency services in the midst of a pandemic, particularly in the states being hardest hit, then you're in for a rude awakening. There might not even be enough resources to get to you. No one wants that. None of us want MORE death right now. It's hard enough already.
Find ways to give back
I left this for last but it is the most important. I know we all feel helpless right now. We want to act, but the best action we can take is to really do nothing. To stay home and stay away from each other. To fight the ennui and sense of despair that is so easily overwhelming right now, instead find ways to give back. Even if it's "just" texting and calling your friends regularly to check up on them. That's meaningful, don't ever think it's not. Write letters to family and friends, send care packages. Go on local barter and gifting sites to see how many requests you can fill, or to share your bounty. (I gave away over 30 turnips through mine due to my accidental over-planting fiasco.) Grow a garden and share with those in need. (Some food banks will accept food from gardens as donations, check yours.) I have a friend who's donating her time driving food bank parcels to people who are at risk or don't have transportation. My brother is donating his time taking food to at-risk people so they don't have to go to the store. I'm growing the school garden, with the produce going to the school lunch distribution site. Share books via your Little Free Library, especially children's books. There are so very, very many ways that we can all give back to our communities and none of them is wrong. Even if it feels like a small gesture, it's not small to the person you've helped.
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| One of the school garden beds. |
If all you have to give is money, here's a small list of places that I've found are doing the most good right now:
-Local food banks--demand is higher than it's ever been, and they're having trouble keeping up.
-Doctors Without Borders
-World Central Kitchen is helping to feed families around the country, putting empty restaurants and otherwise unemployed kitchen staff to work
-Unicef
-Americares is donating PPE and training to healthcare workers
-FirstBook is trying to deliver books to kids most likely to fall behind due to school shutdowns
-Oxfam helps refugees and displaced people, who are especially at risk right now
-ACLU
-Black Lives Matter (or local chapters)
-Bail funds - Because incarcerated people are more at risk during this pandemic
Of course there are many, many more I'm sure. Feel free to comment with your favorite charity and what they do. And naturally now is not really the time to stop donating to other charities. If you have the spare funds, please keep donating. I know it's hard. But I also know that many people have managed to save money during this time, so please put some of it to good use and help out others who are less fortunate.
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