My brother has understandably decided that after nearly two years as our mother's caretaker, he can't do it anymore. He's put some ambitions and goals on hold to go all-in on being there for her and now would like to pursue some of them. I get that! Caring for another person full time is hard.
And I'm now going to have three people that I care for full time. I was talking about this with my spouse and told him that between my job, my mother, our children, our pets, and the housework, something had to give or it was going to be my sanity. He sat back and asked me which, on that list, I felt could drop the easiest. Well, the answer to that is rather obvious, though I didn't want to admit it. I tried to make it work. I found a nanny--who fell through. When I thought about trying to find another it was just overwhelming. I was exhausted before even starting. Did I really want to keep pushing the issue when I already knew that I could cut out one thing and have LESS work to do instead?
By the numbers, this choice sort of works out and sort of doesn't. The nanny I found would have been a cost we paid above and beyond what I bring home--but only while we're also paying for preschool. Preschool is also the reason we would need a nanny, since the Munchkin only does half days. We'd need someone to watch Little Miss all day, and to do preschool pickup. But preschool ends in June and kindergarten starts up in September (!!!), so it would really only be two months we'd lose money. September, if I'd made it to then, was also when I would have been fully vested in my 401k--which would have been well worth the couple of months of a net loss paying a nanny. This also assumes that I wouldn't have had a pay raise in between, which was a possibility.
But. The work to do that. The coordination, the planning, the freaking emotional labor that would have gone into all of it. And still, I can't plan for the days when I might get a call because my mom has been crying all morning and no one can make sense of what she's saying. I can't plan for when she might or might not fall, or any of her worsening symptoms. I've already been to the ER with her once in the last month, will there be more of those in the future? I can't plan sick days for my kids, either, or for the days when they're out of sorts and everything is just harder. Having a job adds one more level of complexity to all of it that I'm just not willing to do at this point. I know myself well enough to say that it's too much. Maybe others could bear it well, but I'm not going to kill myself to make having a job work. Saying no, saying that this is too much, is a form of self-care that no bubble bath or glass of wine can replace.
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| Doggo picture as tax. |
I'm not alone in this need, either. Here's an article about how mothers, in particular in the U.S., are being smothered in stress because we're trying to fulfill two different and opposing ideologies. We should 100% be all-in a parents, but at the same time we should be 100% all-in as workers. We're destined to fail at both. Being "just" one or the other comes with a whole different load of guilt. Oh, you're "just" a stay at home mom? Oh, you work long hours but complain that you don't get to see your kids enough?
Parent or not, I'm sure you know exactly the judgmental attitude and tone that goes along with those statements.
But this was also the sort of week that let me know I'd made the right choice. The day I turned in my resignation I also got messages from my brother letting me know that the baby was throwing up. But I didn't feel like I could rush home to be with her because I took a sick day so recently after my mom was in the ER. Then the illness, naturally, worked its way through the whole family--meaning not only were the grownups out of commission for some time but also that there was more work. Everything from more laundry to fixing a clogged sink because someone threw up in it. (Me. That was me.) For months now I've been wondering how families do it when both parents work. Now I'm wondering how we've been making it work even with my part time job. I keep thinking that each instance of chaos within the family is a temporary thing, that we'll get back to "normal". But chaos seems to be our default setting for right now. I think it's time I lean into that fact, rather than the idea of having it all or doing it all or making it work whether it wants to or not!
So I'm letting go of the guilt, the shame. I'm choosing the path that will make my family functional, that will keep me sane. And I'm trying to keep in mind what a wise person once said: there are seasons of employment, and seasons when it makes the most sense to withdraw from the paid workforce. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing deal, and there's freedom in being able to not only recognize the seasons as they come but also to take advantage of them. It's a privilege to be able to say I don't need my job right now. It's the greatest form of freedom. Just making this decision, though it wasn't easy and doesn't come without a whole heap of sadness, has made me so much happier. I've been more smiley, more playful, more fun, as the weight of all the expectations on me has lifted somewhat.
