I won't go over the whole year, because I've already sort of done that. But I've been mostly radio silence for a while in a variety of outlets, and for good reason. The last four months of 2018 put us through the wringer in new and unexpected ways.
At the end of August we were finally able to move my mom into a memory care facility. I'm pleased to report that she is very happy there! We've all noticed how much more relaxed she is, and the staff mention frequently that she's a favorite because she's so sweet. Having met some of the other people there, this is a Big Deal. Dementia can make people bitter, cruel, and even violent in some cases. I haven't seen violence, but the other two have definitely shown.
We love that she's so close--generally we do preschool pickup and then go straight over to visit my mom. I do my grocery shopping over there on weekends and pop in to say hi to her. BUT, the caveat to all this wonderfulness is that it takes so. much. time. If I take half an hour to visit my mom, that's two transitions in and out of the car (or on and off the bus) with, usually, two kids. A half hour visit generally takes about an hour, or an hour and a half if I take the bus. To bike would be down hill, up hill, down hill, then uphill again, and I will freely admit that my legs just can't do those large hills while dragging a trailer. Which the Munchkin is growing out of anyway. Visits further have to be worked around nap times and school times and meal times--for both of my kids and my mom. I have to plan extra time to check in with the staff. And so you don't think I'm martyring myself, or trying to, I'm not the only one doing this! My brothers are also visiting and taking care of my mom's needs. It's just that caring for someone with dementia is always going to be a lot of work, no matter how it's done. We have to buy things for her (toiletries, clothes) and take her to doctor's appointments, and handle calls from them if something happens--like the few times my mom has fallen, or the day she remembered that my dad had died but not how. What else are we going to do, though, abandon her? I remind myself most days that I'm grateful to do this, to be able to do this, and to have had such a wonderful mom that I want to do this for her. Even in the midst of such a tragic illness I know that I am lucky, and I'm thankful.
With her move, however, comes the rather daunting task of cleaning out the house my parents lived in for almost 30 years. They weren't hoarders, but it was a big house so they didn't really have to be. They were both wonderfully sentimental so they kept nearly everything from our childhoods. I mean everything. It's been hilarious to go back through some of the cards we gave them, or that were given to each of us, and the stories we wrote in school. So much stuff is now junk that we've been throwing away (or recycling if possible, naturally), but it's been fun to sort of see ourselves through our parents' eyes. It's just a lot of work. And I gotta say, my Buy Nothing Group is coming in super handy. There's been a bunch of stuff that we haven't needed but haven't wanted to throw away, so I've offered it to others. Someone even wanted all the boxes of Christmas stuff that we didn't! This project has taken far longer than any of us expected, or wanted, but we are at least satisfied that as much of it will go to use as possible. And as of right now, we think we're pretty much done. Hopefully.
 |
| "Hello, lady!" |
At basically the same time we moved my mom, we adopted a dog. I won't go into the long story about seeking a family friendly dog from the shelter, but it took a while. The guy we got is not what we expected, but he's the dog we needed. I laughed so hard in the beginning because he is comically different from our Old Lady. A 5-year-old beefcake of a pit bull, he's just the sweetest guy, so mild and a bit of a scaredey-cat. The first night he was home--understandably terrified--we caught the Munchkin dragging him up the hallway by his collar, determined to make him sleep with her. He hates being pulled by his collar, but he was meek with her, following along with nothing more than a pleading look. He checks on the baby when she cries, and gives out kisses to both kids. I am by far his favorite hooman, but after a small adjustment period he's settled into being a family dog very nicely. Although, he still refuses to go outside for most people other than me, so I end up standing out on the front stoop waiting for him to do his business. And walking anywhere without me is right out. But when Little Miss Sunshine recently crawled over to try to take a bone he was chewing on, he very gently removed it from her reach, ever mindful that he is bigger and stronger and she's just a baby. He mostly puts up with her attempts to pet him and tug on his ears, and if he decides he's had enough he just walks away. I definitely had a few qualms about bringing home a strange dog (we think he might be part boxer and part English bulldog?), but they are long gone. We named him Fezzik.
There was the start of a new preschool year in September, which meant a big transition and lots of acting out from our older child. Though we'd told her it would happen, the fact that the Munchkin had all new teachers and that some of her best friends had moved on to kindergarten were tough for our kiddo to take. As usual with her big emotions, she chose to take them out on us. We dealt with a few weeks of misbehavior that had us tearing out our hair, screaming into a pillow in frustration, and tagging out with each other frequently so that one of us didn't strangle her. I love my oldest child but even people who've only met her once describe her as a spitfire and a handful. Yup. I'm so looking forward to the transition to kindergarten next year. -_-
We also got the exterior walls of our house insulated and that was the best choice ever. The road noise is noticeably quieter, and our heating bill has been about halved. Or more? I realize that some of that is due to the fact that this winter is warmer than last--we've barely had a few hard frosts this year. But the house feels much cozier. In case you're curious, after all rebates from our utility the cost was just over $1,100. Always get multiple quotes. The first company quoted us over $7,000!!!
Into the midst of this, a friend told us that her daughter, it turned out, is horribly allergic to cats so did we want a cat who was used to kids? We took in the cat, Kona, on a trial basis--since Fezzik's history was completely unknown, and the shelter warned us that pits tend to have a strong prey drive. HA!! He chased the cat precisely once, because she was terrified and bolted and he just wanted to meeeet heeeer!! Of course that happened in the middle of the night and woke everyone up, so it was a nice 2-hour interruption to the night's sleep. But the pets seemed fine with each other by the next morning, so adopt this cat we did. She's a sweetheart with a tough history on the mean streets, but she hasn't let it make her bitter. She is amazingly good with both our kids--she'll lie still and let the baby pet her!--and she snuggles with us frequently. It's nice to have a cat around again.
 |
| Box cat! I put a blanket in there to make it a bed for her. |
We went to my cousin's wedding in early October--hurray! So much fun to see the extended family again, although it was pretty hard on me because HusbandX couldn't make it. He couldn't even, as the original plan was, make it to his own cousin's wedding in a different state, because work wouldn't give him the time off. So I had my brothers helping me, but I was still the only parent to two kids on a whirlwind three-state weekend trip. Woo. I didn't get to spend as much time with my cousins as I wanted because I was exhausted, and at least one kid seemed to demand my attention at all times (the baby swiftly went from "cool, new people" to "I only ever want Mom"), but I still managed to have a ball. And hey, I got to see one of my favorite cousins* get married!
Then I brought back strep throat, which my eldest brother had had. I got it at the same time the brother who babysits for us got it. Then HusbandX got it, and my brother and I both got it again. (Pro tip: apparently you're supposed to replace your toothbrush after you've had strep. That would have been nice to know, people at urgent care. Thanks.) The only mercy was that it's incredibly rare for children, and especially infants, to get strep. (Can you imagine anything worse than an infant with strep throat?!) So the kids were spared, but that also meant our two month journey through illness had to be done with two energetic, demanding kids going at full steam. Even worse, HusbandX wasn't permitted to take time off work basically at all. He even had to be careful about his sick days, even when he was at his sickest, and vacation time was right out. Hellish.
We had a 5th birthday, a grandparent visit, and an unexpected job loss all in one weekend. That was a doozy, followed the next week by hosting Thanksgiving. Luckily it was only family, but still it was a lot to happen in less than a week. The birthday parties (one for family, one for friends) followed by Thanksgiving would have been plenty on their own, but we can't seem to have anything crazy without adding moar crazy! It was about this time I finally realized that I've been waiting for the crazy to die down for four years now and I really just need to accept that it won't. The crazy will never end. Crazytown is where we live now. I've accepted this. Mostly.
We had my father-in-law visit, then my mother-in-law (for the birthday!), and then my father-in-law again. However, around the time he arrived here his brother broke a major bone while doing something he frequently does, and then found out that it was because he has cancer. So my FIL flew back to Alaska to then fly with his brother (due to mobility issues) and sister-in-law to go see a specialist here and discuss a course of action. Thankfully, the friend who'd been renting the basement apartment from us bought his own house (yay!) and moved out of here at the end of October. So we had plenty of space to put everyone up, AND we had beds because there was an extra at my parents' house that my brother had brought over. I just wish we'd been seeing all of them under better circumstances. As good news, though, the prognosis looks good and treatment can be done in Alaska, so there's no need for people to fly back and forth to Seattle.
 |
| Drying racks! When not in use, we can put them down to be flat against the wall. |
December somewhat slowed down after the family left, as we took the holiday prep at a chill pace. Except, our dishwasher broke just before Christmas. Maybe "broke" is a bit of an exaggeration but it stopped cleaning as well and started making a giant, awful noise. So we've been washing dishes by hand for weeks now, waiting for HusbandX and my brother to have time to figure out what's wrong. And it will be time-consuming, because they'll have to move the fridge and pull up some of the floorboards. At least we'll get to unearth the lovely 60's linoleum, circa the year our house was built, that we know is lurking beneath? Should be as beautiful as the olive green shag carpet in the front hall closet.
Christmas was small, nothing but local family, but things ramped up again at the end of the year as we (joyfully) hosted my eldest brother and his family. Several days of staying up late, watching the little cousins play, and playing many, many board games together. My brothers and I got some necessary family stuff done--cleaning even more stuff out of my parents' house, making some decisions--but mostly we were able to just hang out and enjoy each other's company. I laughed until I cried several times. Again, I'm so lucky to have siblings who I not only get along with but am friends with. This journey with my mom would be so much harder if we didn't have such a close relationship.
We ended the visit with my little section of the family all getting sick. Happy New Year!
Through all of this I should also add that I'm still dealing with a lot of grief. I don't know what I expected, an end point? But it's shocking to me how sad I still am at times that my dad is gone. Most of the time it's in the background, there but unnoticed. Then at times it's so sharp. There have been afternoons when I've gone to preschool pickup crying because I heard a song on the radio that made me think of my dad, or times when I've looked at Little Miss and been so sad and angry that my dad never got to meet her. I still can't tell if it's beautiful or awful that she looks so much like his baby photos. He would have adored her. It kills me that they never got to meet, and that I didn't get my chance to tell him about her. But she makes it almost impossible to stay sad around her, and mostly I'm just happy that she seems to have much of his easygoing, happy disposition.
 |
| This baby goes her own way, even when it comes to sitting in chairs. Or getting stuck in them. |
In a different way, I'm also grieving my mom. Constantly. It's so bittersweet to see her and I wrestle with so many emotions--anger that this happened to her, to all of us. Grief for what could have been but won't. Bitterness because I know she did so many things "right" but still has to go through this. Anguish, because I know how painful, distressing, and embarrassing this all is for her. And joy because, in so many ways, it's still wonderful to have her with us. She has sometimes made angry or sad comments about what she used to be. "I have two master's degrees," she told my brother when she got lost at the aquarium last summer. We always point out that she's still a wonderful mother and an amazing grandmother, and it's true. She still knows family, and even remembers the baby's name once in a while. Her language skills are almost nonexistent at this point (it helps to think of her as a Benjamin Button, regressing in the way my baby is progressing--at the moment she's about like an 18 month-old) but she still manages to ask after her granddaughters if we show up without them. She lights up around my kids and they do with her as well.
But then I go back to anger again, that so much has been stolen from all of them by this wretched, horrible illness. I cannot be happy about her without it being tinged by sadness as well. Maybe that's just part of growing up, of having aging parents?
So that's where I stand at the beginning of this new year. So much good with a healthy mix of horrible, sad, and distressing at the same time. We have a basement and attic full of stuff, much of which is now ours but not really our own. We're working like crazy and constantly feel like we're running in place. Like I said, we live in Crazytown on a permanent basis now.
I've asked myself if I have any goals for the new year and mostly just laugh at myself. How can I plan things? And I always have goals that I'm working toward. We've had a joke ever since we moved into our house that things are "on the list". Someone will tell us something we should do or change to make the house better for us and we say, "Yeah, it's on the list." The list, if we wrote it out, is huge. We will never get everything on the list done. But that's sorta life, isn't it? And instead of focusing on what's imperfect about our house we generally make things work and focus on what we love. If I have a theme or a goal for 2019 I think it's to approach the rest of my life more that way. I always have stuff to look forward to--even that dreaded kindergarten transition means that my big kid will be in kindergarten!! She was almost crying the other day when I had to tell her that kindergarten won't start until next fall, because she's heard me saying she'd be in kindergarten "next year" and it's next year, right??!! It broke her heart because she is so ready to learn, to move on to bigger and better things.
My baby is about to turn one and I'm so excited to see how she grows and changes over the coming year. She's such a delightful kid, and she makes me so happy. She gives me kisses all the time, and she loves to snuggle. Her default state is one of pleasant curiosity, although she already doesn't like hearing "no" and throws little baby tantrums occasionally. She loves to do things for herself, to play with her sister, and she gets into everything. We have another "handful", just in a very different way.
So that's where I stand. Overwhelmed, exhausted, grieving, pleased, hopeful, and excited. Bring it on, 2019.
*I found a letter at my mom's house from one of my cousins, when we decided to be pen pals in elementary school. She called me her "favorite cousin" because "I trust you!!!" Now that we're all grown adults, and friends, this is hilarious to me. They're all favorite cousins. Just as with my brothers, I'm super lucky to have cousins that I actually enjoy spending time with.
